“Cecil is NOT a narcissist!” The Boss exclaimed to all within earshot.

Unfortunately for The Boss, an early afternoon email from Cecil seemed to further document the blatant disregard that guided Cecil’s every adventure.

Dear The Boss,

Last night got kinda crazy. I took the car out and the female staplers loved the convertible even though it was pretty cold last night. We went out bar hopping and surprisingly this town is a pretty happening place on a Monday night (Can’t wait to see how it is the rest of the week). In any event I don’t think I can really get into great detail about how my night went but needless to say some magazine journalist showed up and things got a little out of hand. I will be reading the paper tomorrow to see if I made the news or set any new trends.

I think I am going to relax today and recover from last night’s activities. I will probably be hanging out in the game room since it is so quiet and has so many things to do. Nothing like playing video games and shooting some hoops to sweat out the alcohol from last night’s bender.

Sincerely,

Cecil B. Swingline

Fits of anger could be heard emanating from The Boss’ office, a sure sign of the arrival and viewing of the message from Cecil.  The maelstrom began when more photos arrived documenting Cecil’s coming-of-staplerhood.

No one was sure how much more The Boss could take…

Cecil’s Night Out is the latest installment in the Cecil B. Swingline Chronicles. The stories recounted are true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty…and the innocent.

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Those denials were even less plausible on Tuesday morning when Cecil sent an email containing the first issue of “The Swingline Chronicles.”

Cecil appears to be taking himself a little too seriously, don’t you think?

The Swingline Chronicles is the fifth installment in the Cecil B. Swingline Chronicles. The stories recounted are true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty…and the innocent.

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From: The Boss
Subject: Cecil B. Swingline
To: D. Messwith McStapler Esquire

 FYI. In need of some stapler-napping assistance.

From:  D. Messwith McStapler Esquire
To:  The Staff, The Building Manager, The HR Manager
cc:  The Boss

To whom it may concern:

We are aware of your staple-napping and are not impressed at your attempts to mask this haneous crime with delusions of “liberation”. This organization and it’s client – The Boss – will not respond to any demands from such clear terrorist organizations such as your own. Your obviously photoshopped images will not serve as the proof of life that we require before responding further. Return said swingline with due haste or deal with our most devastating wrath.

With Disgust,

D. Messwith McStapler Esquire
The Law Offices of Give Me a Break, You’ve gotta be kidding me, and Sons
1234 WTF Place
The City, And State 

There was question as to the competence of said attorney however, based soley on his inability to use spell check.

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It got worse when a new message arrived that afternoon.

From: cecilbswingline
To: The Boss, The Staff, The Building Manager, The HR Manager
Subject: Cecil B. Swingline

Dear The Boss,
Had a good workout at the gym today and boy did it make me thirsty. I really appreciate all of the water fountains strategically placed throughout the building.

I have seen a couple of cars that I can fit into and figured I might go for a drive tonight since there is nothing else to do. I will try to take some pictures and send them to you so you can see what you are missing (Maybe next time you can go with me, if I decide not to lock you in the office).

Yours truly,

Cecil B. Swingline

Frantic to determine the whereabouts of his wayward stapler, The Boss launched an officewide search for Cecil.

Cecil starts exploring is the third installment in the Cecil B. Swingline Chronicles.  The stories recounted are true.  The names have been changed to protect the guilty…and the innocent.

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A number of emails flew after  The Boss’ admission that his beloved stapler was missing.  Multiple attempts to make light of the situation were not well received.  It was very clear that The Boss was less than pleased with the disappearance of his favorite office supply.

Not too long after we received the email from The Boss about his missing stapler, a rather curious email appeared in everyone’s inbox. 

From: cecilbswingline
To: The Boss, The Staff, The Building Manager, The HR Manager
Subject: Cecil B. Swingline

 Cecil B. Swingline
123 Freedom Rd

The Boss
The Office Address

 Dear The Boss,
 
I would like to thank you for liberating me from the shelves of that dirty warehouse where I was wrongly imprisoned for so long.  I have no words to express how I felt when you purchased me and I greatly appreciate that you picked me over all the other red Swingline staplers.

After arriving you promptly ensured that I was unharmed and even showed me off to your underlings.  I felt so proud to be your Swingline stapler and knew that we had begun a wonderful relationship together.  Little did I know how wrong I was.

I awoke the next day and you were not here, nobody was. What kind of person just leaves their prized stapler behind?  Well I will tell you, a person that really doesn’t care about their stapler! Since I am obviously just a possession to you I will be exploring the office and beyond to see if there is more out there than just your office.
 
Sincerely,
 
 Cecil B. Swingline

 

The stapler had a name!  Who would have ever thought this!  He not only had a name, he had feelings too!!  Everyone stared in shock at the picture of Cecil on the exercise balls in our gym at the office!  Could it be true?  Did Cecil feel slighted?  Shunned?  Was he emotional handicapped due abandonment and rejection from The Boss?  Would he require therapy?  Would he need an intervention?

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And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…

A while back I introduced my boss to one of my favorite online retailers, Think Geek.  Being a rather geeky sort himself, I knew that he would have a real appreciation for the site and its offerings.  About a week later he stopped by my cube all puffed up and giddy because he had a box full of goodies from Think Geek.  He could scarcely contain his excitement as he pried open the box to show off his purchases.  The most precious item in the box was a genuine Red Swingline Stapler, and by the end of the day Friday everyone on the floor knew that he was really proud of that stapler.

Monday morning an email went out from my boss to all of his staff, the building manager and our HR manager:

From: The Boss
To: The Staff, The Building Manager, The HR Manager
Subject: Have you seen my swingline stapler?

I know…incredibly cliché.

So, I purchased a nice new red swing line stapler and got it on Friday at 3.

It is no longer in my office.

This is unacceptable.

If you’ve seen it, please let me know
PS – I’ll be working in the boiler room until I get it back…

Now, who in the world would run off with the boss’ coveted red swingline stapler???

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