We interrupt this GeekCast…

Today is the day that most refer to as a wedding anniversary.  Being blissfully different in how we look at things we refer to as the beginning of Our Geek Life and the reason that we share #geeklove with the world at large.

Many have asked “What is this #geeklove?” or “Why the heck do you talk about #geeklove all the time? No one can be that much in love.”  While I understand the reasons for the skepticism, I can assure you that this isn’t an act; it is very real and we are actually more in love today than we were in the beginning.   Since today is our anniversary it seemed like a good opportunity to explain what we mean when we talk about #geeklove.

Let me start with a very simple statement: You can grow in love and in like with the person to whom you are married.  Some folks roll their eyes or make gagging sounds after hearing this.  I gave up responding to that type of reaction a long time ago.  It simply isn’t worth it for me to try to convince someone reacting that way that it’s not only possible but likely if you purpose yourself to better your relationship every day.

Geek history lesson – we started out as friends and spent a seemingly endless amount of time talking about things before we put our lives together.  There were kids on both sides, ex-spouses, distance.  There were a lot of complications.  Neither one of us had gotten married to get divorced, but we ended up there.  We didn’t want to end up in that same place again – not for ourselves and not for our children.  In order to even believe this was possible we opened up our souls to each other in ways we hadn’t with anyone previously.

Let me be blunt about this part of the path to marriage – it was painful.  It is hard as hell to own your own mess, to be honest about your mistakes, your failings as a spouse, and where you know you need work.  But I believe this is absolutely the best way to start out on the path towards a lifelong healthy marriage.  You have to admit it to yourself first, be willing to share it, and be willing to continually work on those things in order to avoid the same mistakes again.  Even with all this done, you will still make mistakes.  This isn’t about being perfect.  It’s about being honest and being willing to compromise.

There were definitely growing pains even with all of the discussions that occurred over hours and days and weeks and months.  We each had our own way of dealing with things, had painful histories and challenges that we didn’t recognize.  There were times, particularly in the first 6 months, that pushed us seemingly beyond our ability and willingness to stick it out.  After a fairly rough start we sat down and had a very frank conversation.   The question we asked of each other was:  Were we committed to making our marriage the best possible marriage and were we committed to doing whatever it took to do that?

The answer was simple.  Yes.  The “how” required more compromise than either of us was readily comfortable with and a commitment to living it out in everything we said, did and believed.  We were still madly in love, but looking at how quickly and easily things could blow up into something critically damaging to our relationship was sobering.  More than half of the garbage – and I do mean garbage – wasn’t even garbage that either of us owned.  We had some problems because of other people’s garbage!!

Our realization was that love is fragile. It requires the kind of attention a gardener gives to an orchid in order to have it not only survive but thrive.  This is especially true today when we are bombarded with the you-can-have-it-all and everything-is-disposable mentality of the world around us.  We renewed our commitment to each other in a very real way that changed our daily lives significantly which is when #geeklove was truly born.

We’re not perfect.  We each have our moments.  We do get on each others nerves at times.  We disagree occasionally but we never argue.  There are no shouting matches.  There are no major blowouts.  We just don’t have the desire or need to have a power struggle in our life together.  Our marriage isn’t about control; it’s about mutual respect and understanding and a love that transcends everything and everyone.

So now that I’ve told you that we are far from perfect, let me tell you what #geeklove is.  It IS about the little things.  The I love yous.  The notes left on the bathroom mirror.  Folding the laundry when you really don’t want to do it.  Considering the other person before yourself.  Talking about needs vs. wants.  Accepting ownership of your *junk*  Being willing to say “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry” because you know you were and you are, not because it’s the easiest way to end the discussion.  It’s about showing that love regardless of what other people think.  It’s about caring enough to put yourself out there even when you’re scared.  It’s about self-honesty – brutal self-honesty at that.  And then sharing that with your life partner.  It’s about complete respect and openness.  It’s about asking for a time out when you need one because you know you are the one causing the turmoil.  It’s about accepting that request for a time out and not pushing for answers that would likely be uttered in frustration or anger.  It’s about trusting your spouse even when your life experience tells you otherwise because he/she is not that past life experience.  And it’s about injecting reminders of why you love each other, in random ways, into every single breath you take.  It’s about recognizing how precious that love is and living life in a way that honors that love.

That’s what I mean by purposeful living of the love you share.  And that is the story behind #geeklove.

So why do we share it?  As a society we spend so much of our day focused on tragedy and pain and sorrow.  We live out loud.  We choose to share our joy openly because we believe there is room for the goodness of life shouted above all the noise in the world that would otherwise drown it out.  If it’s bothersome to some it’s because they don’t understand the power that love brings.

We choose to let love rule.

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I just wanted to write a few lines to let you know how much I love you. The one thing I know in my heart is the little things people take for granted each day, are the things I hold dear to my heart. With that said, here are some of those little things.

1. I simply love you with all my heart. Not a day does not go by that I’m not thanking God for the blessing of you in my life.I fall deeper in love with you with each moment that passes by.

2. I adore you. You are so beautiful and honestly, from the bottom of my heart, are more beautiful with each passing day.

3. I appreciate you. From the tasty lattes (yes, they are better than Starbucks) you make in the mornings for me to the little things you say to encourage me when I’m not feeling my best or tackling a stressful project. Thank you baby. And by the way, when you make special dinners……. WOW!

4. I admire you. You have a heart for people and want to help those in need and you are not afraid to stand up for those whom many would look down upon. With We Can Share, I know there will be many people who will benefit from the caring heart that you have. T2 is already taking a lead in this project. It’s because of you he has the heart he has for people.

5. You are simple, unequivocally, without a doubt…. oh heck, I’ll say it. I love being around you, just because of who you are. I’m unashamed to let folks know how I feel about you, how I adore and love you. Call it spoiled with love, because that’s not a bad thing, but such a good feeling to have that I can share my love….my life…my heart with you.

Shelly, these are only a few little things to let you know you are loved beyond measure by me. You are missed when we are apart. I look forward to when we are together each day, each night, and when we wake up beside each other in the mornings. I am a blessed man.

You…are…the…love…of…my…life.

James

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…the most wonderful thing happened.  A beautiful baby boy was born near the banks of the Saigon River in the city now known as Hồ Chí Minh to a U.S. soldier and a Vietnamese national midwife.  They named him Huu-Tai, which means skillful.

Huu-Tai moved permanently to the US, embracing his Vietnamese and American heritages joyfully and without confusion. He was renamed James on his naturalization documents.  He was and is fully American and fully Vietnamese. He is proud of his heritage and proud of his family history.

James grew up a Vietnamese-American in an unkind post-war America, unforgiving of one who had no part in what occurred. He endured racism and hatred, intolerance and ignorance, even in his own family. He stood up for himself, his brother, his mother.  He never hid from his reality.  He always stood proud, though often wounded by those who through their ignorance saw him as someone to be shunned, hated and ignored.

He had many friends growing up, but as I understand it, they were a rather rag-tag bunch.  He loved people for who they were on the inside – not what the rest of the world saw on the outside.  His own pain from the racism that surrounded him profoundly affected how he viewed the world.  Thankfully for the world, he turned that pain into tremendous compassion, a heart for service and a willingness to be part of the changes rather than part of the reasons things had to change.

Life had many things in store for James, many more than a single blog post can capture.  Every breath he has taken, every moment he has lived, contributed to the man he is today.  While the road wasn’t always easy or even cleared, he walked on, sometimes afraid, sometimes without caution, but always with purpose.

I was blessed with his arrival in my life at a time when I needed a friend.  I never thought I would be so madly in love with my best friend, but one day, he said the words that changed our lives forever.

What if…

I believe that we have the capacity to love many, to share our hearts and our lives with many. But I also believe that lasting love, enduring, deep, passionate love that binds hearts and souls for eternity requires care and feeding. It’s a living thing capable of cycles of  joy, passion, injury, hunger, impulse, anger as well as starvation, suffering and death.  Although “What if” changed our lives, James knew that the newness and excitement of “what if” would wear off if not treated like the most delicate, fragile, priceless thing in the world.  He taught me to love without condition, to share without reservation and to live without limits to the possibilities of tomorrow.  He showered love upon this wounded soul and set me free from a past that could have crippled me had I let it. I learned to trust even when my life experiences told me I should run and never look back.

So why am I telling you this?

Today is the celebration of the day that someone I dearly love and respect was born.  It’s not just any birthday. It’s his 40th birthday.  Forty is a milestone because of our culture, not because it actually means anything.  Because of the pop culture significance of this day, it seems appropriate to share some of the reasons why I love my husband so madly.

True to the name he was given at birth, he is skilled – as a father, as a husband, as a friend, as a partner, as a designer, as a man who influences others.  He will be embarrassed by this tribute because he is also humble.  He will say he’s not all this, not perfect.  But I haven’t said he’s perfect – he’s simply perfect for me.  I love him for all of his imperfections because they are what make him who he is – a perfectly flawed wonderful amazing man.

And now a note for my dearest husband

Chuc Mung Sinh Nhat, Huu-Tai.  Em yêu anh. Wo ai ni.  Je t’aime.  Je t’adore.  Ta gra agam ort.  Ayor anosh’ni. Eg elska tig. Aloha wau ia oi.  Ti amo.  It doesn’t matter how many times I say it, how many ways or how many languages. I love you.  Thank you for loving me, supporting me, showing endless patience and grace towards me and sharing your life with me.  Thank you for the role model you are for our sons and the many ways you sacrifice in order to do what is best for the family many times over what may be best for you personally.  Thank you for leading, for guiding, for following when I run too far ahead. Thank you for being the place I run to, not from, the love and partnership I crave and the balance I need.

Each moment is a gift.  Thank you for sharing your moments with me.

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I have been encouraged by Shegeek to write a book about my thoughts/practice of being a good husband. I mean, a really good husband in terms of how he treats his wife and family, how he shows love, displays love, etc. There’s a lot there. One of these days a book may come out of it. *shrugs.

For today, here are a few thoughts I’d like to share. These are in no order of importance, as they are ALL important.

1. Bring some flowers to your wife on some random day of the week, just because you love her. Or pick up a greeting card. Heck, make your own card. If anything, write on a sticky note that you love and adore her and put it on the bathroom mirror.

2. TELL your wife you love her. Don’t tell me you already do that. I mean, TELL her and mean it with your heart man. Get out of the rut of just saying it like some reflexive response. Heck, if you don’t say it first….then do that. It’s awesome to feel it when you say it.

3. If you’re frustrated from work, DO NOT take it out on your wife. What did she do to deserve that? Rather, have a discussion about how work frustrated you or made you mad and LISTEN to any feedback or advice she gives you. DO NOT tune her out. Listen is the keyword. We, as men/husbands, do not do enough of this. And if she’s frustrated from work, etc., LISTEN to her and give feedback. Communicate!

4. Ask your wife out on a date. Seriously, even if you have kids or not. There’s always something cool about saying, “Hey honey, would you go out with me tonight?”. Awesome’ness.

5. Don’t be “looking” at other women. Dude, you’re disrespecting your wife. If she is the love of your life, and she better be if you married her, then everyone else pales in comparison. Wait, there is no comparison. I’ve told Shegeek, “There are many attractive people in the world, but I only have eyes for you.” Sound cheesy? Yes? Difference is, I MEAN IT. And when she replies, “You’re crazy.”, I reply “Then crazy is a great place to be.” Cheesy to many? Probably, but when you mean it with all your heart. There is no cheesy, but rather gold.

6. Here is a tough one. If you have had a disagreement, and we have at times, you have got to check your anger/frustration at the door. And you have to dig deep, and show her love through whatever disagreement you have. It’s okay to be angry, but showing it in a wrong way is unhealthy for everyone. This doesn’t mean you are weak or inferior, but rather shows wisdom and strength in a stressful situation.

7. Hardest one. If you do any or all of the above, don’t expect anything in return. If you do, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Do it because you love your wife, period. Most likely, there will be good returns. Just saying.

These are just a few thoughts that I try to put into practice each day. Some days I don’t do so well, but I try to honor, adore and cherish my wife everyday.

Seriously men, it’s time to step and adore, cherish, and truly love your wives. Hardest part is stepping out there and doing something that may be different for you, which is a GOOD thing.

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