We interrupt this GeekCast…
Today is the day that most refer to as a wedding anniversary. Being blissfully different in how we look at things we refer to as the beginning of Our Geek Life and the reason that we share #geeklove with the world at large.
Many have asked “What is this #geeklove?” or “Why the heck do you talk about #geeklove all the time? No one can be that much in love.” While I understand the reasons for the skepticism, I can assure you that this isn’t an act; it is very real and we are actually more in love today than we were in the beginning. Since today is our anniversary it seemed like a good opportunity to explain what we mean when we talk about #geeklove.
Let me start with a very simple statement: You can grow in love and in like with the person to whom you are married. Some folks roll their eyes or make gagging sounds after hearing this. I gave up responding to that type of reaction a long time ago. It simply isn’t worth it for me to try to convince someone reacting that way that it’s not only possible but likely if you purpose yourself to better your relationship every day.
Geek history lesson – we started out as friends and spent a seemingly endless amount of time talking about things before we put our lives together. There were kids on both sides, ex-spouses, distance. There were a lot of complications. Neither one of us had gotten married to get divorced, but we ended up there. We didn’t want to end up in that same place again – not for ourselves and not for our children. In order to even believe this was possible we opened up our souls to each other in ways we hadn’t with anyone previously.
Let me be blunt about this part of the path to marriage – it was painful. It is hard as hell to own your own mess, to be honest about your mistakes, your failings as a spouse, and where you know you need work. But I believe this is absolutely the best way to start out on the path towards a lifelong healthy marriage. You have to admit it to yourself first, be willing to share it, and be willing to continually work on those things in order to avoid the same mistakes again. Even with all this done, you will still make mistakes. This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being honest and being willing to compromise.
There were definitely growing pains even with all of the discussions that occurred over hours and days and weeks and months. We each had our own way of dealing with things, had painful histories and challenges that we didn’t recognize. There were times, particularly in the first 6 months, that pushed us seemingly beyond our ability and willingness to stick it out. After a fairly rough start we sat down and had a very frank conversation. The question we asked of each other was: Were we committed to making our marriage the best possible marriage and were we committed to doing whatever it took to do that?
The answer was simple. Yes. The “how” required more compromise than either of us was readily comfortable with and a commitment to living it out in everything we said, did and believed. We were still madly in love, but looking at how quickly and easily things could blow up into something critically damaging to our relationship was sobering. More than half of the garbage – and I do mean garbage – wasn’t even garbage that either of us owned. We had some problems because of other people’s garbage!!
Our realization was that love is fragile. It requires the kind of attention a gardener gives to an orchid in order to have it not only survive but thrive. This is especially true today when we are bombarded with the you-can-have-it-all and everything-is-disposable mentality of the world around us. We renewed our commitment to each other in a very real way that changed our daily lives significantly which is when #geeklove was truly born.
We’re not perfect. We each have our moments. We do get on each others nerves at times. We disagree occasionally but we never argue. There are no shouting matches. There are no major blowouts. We just don’t have the desire or need to have a power struggle in our life together. Our marriage isn’t about control; it’s about mutual respect and understanding and a love that transcends everything and everyone.
So now that I’ve told you that we are far from perfect, let me tell you what #geeklove is. It IS about the little things. The I love yous. The notes left on the bathroom mirror. Folding the laundry when you really don’t want to do it. Considering the other person before yourself. Talking about needs vs. wants. Accepting ownership of your *junk* Being willing to say “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry” because you know you were and you are, not because it’s the easiest way to end the discussion. It’s about showing that love regardless of what other people think. It’s about caring enough to put yourself out there even when you’re scared. It’s about self-honesty – brutal self-honesty at that. And then sharing that with your life partner. It’s about complete respect and openness. It’s about asking for a time out when you need one because you know you are the one causing the turmoil. It’s about accepting that request for a time out and not pushing for answers that would likely be uttered in frustration or anger. It’s about trusting your spouse even when your life experience tells you otherwise because he/she is not that past life experience. And it’s about injecting reminders of why you love each other, in random ways, into every single breath you take. It’s about recognizing how precious that love is and living life in a way that honors that love.
That’s what I mean by purposeful living of the love you share. And that is the story behind #geeklove.
So why do we share it? As a society we spend so much of our day focused on tragedy and pain and sorrow. We live out loud. We choose to share our joy openly because we believe there is room for the goodness of life shouted above all the noise in the world that would otherwise drown it out. If it’s bothersome to some it’s because they don’t understand the power that love brings.
We choose to let love rule.
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